Being Chinese-Vietnamese creates the image of who I am today. Before coming to America, I have always wondered if I am more Chinese or Vietnamese. Some of my friends called me Vietnamese since I was born in Vietnam, but both of my parents are of Chinese origin. I really started to think about my racial and ethical identity when I was filling out the registration for my High School. The registration has different categories such as Hispanic, White, African American, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, Malaysia, Indian, Hindu, Muslim, and Iranian. I am surprised that there are so many different categories. Moreover, I struggled between Vietnamese and Chinese. Sometimes I called myself Vietnamese Chinese or Chinese Vietnamese. I am used to people calling my by these terms interchangeably. Whenever meet new people, they would automatically ask if I am Chinese, Japanese, or Korean. I notice how they are look at my facial feature. It seems like Americans think that all Asians are short and have almond eyes. I always have to have an inner struggle between Chinese and Vietnamese before answering. Sometimes I am afraid that I will offend my potential new friends by answering an answer that is not part of the choices, I just simply answer Chinese. Before I realize it, I have been labeled as Chinese. Before I completely forget about my Vietnamese self, I started to correct my friends and potential new friends that I am both Chinese and Vietnamese. Now that I am in American, I struggle to keep up with the expectations that my family have for me. This was difficult for me because I was not exposed to any kind of American culture while I was in Vietnam. It makes it even more difficult when most colored people think that I am smart because I am Asian. I also do not have a diverse group of friends due to my parent’s view of other racial groups besides Asian, more specifically Chinese and Vietnamese. American has taught me from being ignorant and obedient to being somebody who can walk her own path with true heart.
There are the things called discrimination in my family. My whole families do not like any interaction with African Americans. My parents think that African Americans are uneducated, poor, and violent. My parents fear that they will lead me down the wrong path if I befriended them. Furthermore, my mother has an image that black people are over-powering and love to fight with others if the black people think that person gets in their way. They always mention that black people are the poorest in the world because they tell me the entire beggar are black people. Somewhat, I am sharing the same view as my parents. They preach to me not to hang out with the black people so much. My parents only want me to befriend Asians, especially the smart ones, and learn from them. They do not like me to learn by white and black people. They want me to show them that I cannot forget about my nationalities as a Chinese and Vietnamese. I have to follow their values because I respect them. Respecting the parents and elders is extremely important in Chinese and Vietnamese culture. If one does not respect the elder, one is consider a bad child. In a way, African Americans act in a way that makes elder Asians think that they are rude and uneducated. I have always been taught that one should speak humbly to elders and never contradict them in anyway. The way that African Americans speak is the very opposite of how a youngster should talk to an elder. The way they speak is in a deep strong voice when they come to us. They give us a bad idea of how they talk to their friend For example; they have a scary look that we never see. Also when they greet on other, they going to yell out “ Yo, what up?” and it makes my family feel not right. It is really a big different of how Chinese culture act; we do not go up and yell out those words instead we give a smile, especially to those that one is unfamiliar with. Because of my upbringing by my parents and personal experiences, I do feel uncomfortable around African Americans.
However, there are some parts of my family that I am not proud of and wish for it to change. I am shameful of how my father is such a prideful man and want to rule his wife and children. He does not care how other think of us. When I step inside the house, I have to listen to him no matter what happens. However, my mother listens to him regardless of how unreasonable he is. I will not submit to any man like how my mother submits to my father. I will try to reason with my father if I was my mother. Reasoning is not a sign of disrespect. I have learned that in school. Some teacher even encourages students to reason why the teacher is wrong. Even if he would not listen my reasoning, at least I tried. Even if my reasoning is right and it makes sense, it is hard for him to accept. This is because it is his generation of how he handles his youngster, and so I will try to give my best to revolutionize the new generation.
Everybody thinks that Asians are smart, especially in math and science. Those stereotypes are not accurate as I see. Whenever others see a C or F, with I get often, they were all surprised and said, “How could you? You are Asian.” In my point view, not all Asians are smart. We might have some talents, but it isn’t how white and black people judge us. For example, I am not clever in math. I am not good at some hard equation math problems. In Vietnam, I need to go for a personal tutor and if I do not do it right, they will going to hit my face or pinch my ear. I am not hard working as others judge me, so I am not a typical Asian who will study my butt off. If I was born here, my accent will slightly smooth away like my cousin. My cousin speaks fluent in English, and sound like a perfect American. When people notice how I communicate with them, they know that I was not born in the U.S. Also, there might be some Chinese with Vietnamese person are study hard, but I am completely mismatched of how the American people look at me. I am a lazy person who does not study hard, procrastinate many times on my assignments. However, I have to work two times harder than an average white person who was born here. For example, when my classmate says, “you’re so cool that you can speak two languages.”I replied to them “Yeah, Thanks.” It might be a good thing, but then I had been made fun of a few black classmates who try to imitate me by saying“ching chong cho” as how the Chinese people say, and then they want me to teach them how to say some word out. That makes me frustrated.
My family is poor compare to the white people. My parents have a low-income job. They do not speak English fluently nor know how to write English, and that is a disadvantage to me because I do not have any brother and sister to practice my English with. We are trying to catch up the white people, but we know that the chance is very low. It is different social status in Vietnam and here. In Vietnam, it is easy to get a job and there is not having much competition in there. In American, it is hard to get a job and there is having a lot of competitions, especially with so many immigrants that do not speak English. Because of this, my parents put all of their hopes in me, hoping that I will be well educated and get a well paying job in the future. It is a well spread belief that people will get in high social class if I am well educated. I admire the white family is in a high social class that live in a mansion, own a dog, and have pets. Moreover, now I realize that my gender is another part of my identity. I am a girl who cannot say any inappropriate word, but some boys are alright to speak that out. I am a girl not allowed to go out to party at night, but the boys can. In Vietnam as a female, I was not approve to expose myself like showing some skin out but the white female and male are free to wear whatever they want. It feels unfair how society treats me in that way, and began to transform myself to be more fitable, stylish, and have a better appurtenance. I am developing the life between American and Vietnam. In my home town, I have not been usually thought as much as I am now. I did not go shopping by myself, was not energetic, and was much overprotected compare to the present time. I started to have a crushes when I start to adapt in this country, and the diverse part in Vietnam was I did not adore boy. Back in Vietnam, girls are not even supposed to think of boys until they are adults. I used to be naïve and trust people easily, but then now I am stronger and gain knowledge of analyzes in American.
To sum it, this variation of my own identity is much unexpected. I learn to believe and remain my own pure Chinese and Vietnamese. Even thought, I try to fit in the new nation, I still wish for preserve my cultures. Nevertheless, I still feel uncomfortable African American. I know that in the future, if I get to know them better, the discomfort will disappear. I can protect myself of not label as a small naïve child. I am gaining experience by people around me. I will attempt to not be shame to my family. In this situation I discover to be more independent and reasonable. I should have my own way on going to my path. I find out that the color blindness is a big deal to the civilizations. Therefore, I am aware of the other cultures.
Lol, YEs that is my paper in my Sociology class. It is kinda hard for me. I am the person who cannot write many many word out in an essay. My brain was like freezing up and stuck up idea. Lucky, I have my friend to help me to make it longer and correct the sentences better. Ah! I am selfish because I want her to help me again on the next one, but I haven't start it yet. XP ~.~ I read a few pages on the book! Hah!
Oh Wow! I ain't get use to this skipping line thing XP OH WEll. What have I done to myself?! -___- I was thinking some useless and pathetic thing toward an older guy. He seem like he does not have a time for me XP. I am so childish! Blah blah.... So stupid, digusts! I have a very young facial , but I constanly thinking about the dirty, slutty ideas on my mind so much !
Sigh! Of course , I will stop.. Sometimes I think writing blog is fun!! XD I just want to talk this out in here...Ah!! I can do it right?! Studying so much of vocab and analysis so much of stuff on my classs.. duh?! It makes me gain more knowledge XD lol?! How come I got a naughy invitation from the guy who broke up witih my ex friend?! YEs , ex friend ..the girl who just left & don't want to be my friend anymore. He is an asshole i think?! He just wants me to have fun with him..doing the freaking sex! I really don't feel alright at all of being open, wild girl. I really desire to meet a guy who is generious without thinking the word " sex". Haha Hard?! I guess.. Blah blah ..I just gotta keep up my school work and entertain myself by watching those good asian dramas lol XP JaeJOong from DongBangSHinKi is so sweet and good looking!! <3>
